When Everything Goes Black
by LovesYourStory
Summary: How can they understand. They try, he knows they do, but they'll never understand the guilt. The pain is almost too much to bear. Until Tori decides to help him. Bori.
1. Lost

Summery.

How can they understand. They try, he knows they do, but they'll never understand the guilt. The pain is almost too much to bear. Until Tori decides to help him. Bori.

**AN:**

**So this is my first fanfic! I've been reading stories on here for years so I decided that I had better right one, too:) If you haven't watched the show Victorious on Nickelodeon then I recommend you check it out or you'll be confused...I'm not going to describe them! All criticism is welcomed! I can't get better if you don't tell me what's wrong. **

_**WARNING: SELF HARM, SMOKING, SWEARING, DEPRESSION, AND ALCOHOL USE.**_

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T AND NEVER WILL OWN THE SHOW OR THE CHARACTERS IN VICTORIOUS! **

* * *

_They were fighting...again. But, unlike the majority of their arguments, this one had a good reason. This time he messed up. _

_"I can't believe you lied to me, Beck! What am I not good enough for you anymore?" Jade screeched, waving her arms. Beck could see the tears she had in her eyes. The ones that she refused to let free in his presence. He had messed up bad. _

_"Jade nothing happened! I just needed-" _

_"No!" You know what? We're through!" Jade screamed, pushing him away._

_"Jade! Jade listen to me-" Beck tried again. Jade was storming out of the ally they were in, trying to put distance between them. _

_"You told me that you were working on your acting assignment for Sikowitz's class! You said you were going to be with Andre at Vega's house! Not at some club!" Jade was practically running down the sidewalk now, Beck hot on her heals. _

_"Jade I just-" _

_"And what about that girl you were dancing with? You looked like you were having one hell of a time with her!" Jade was now walking backwards, her finger in his face. He felt horrible. _

_Beck tried to explain that it didn't mean anything. That he was just trying to get away for awhile. Away from the fighting. A lot of good that did. _

_"Jade please! I lo-"_

_"No Beck! Were done! I never want to see you again!" With that, Jade turned and took off across the street. Beck wanted to call after her, to stop her. But he knew it was too late. He turned to leave, regret eating out his heart. Then he heard it. The screeching of tires and the screaming of a girl. His girl. Jade. _

"Jade!" Beck shot up in bed, his heart was racing and sweat was dripping down his face. He has had the same dream almost every night for two months, since the accident. Beck looked down at his trembling hands resting in his lap.

Jade was dead. She was gone.

_"It's all my fault." _

A single tear rolled down his face. He felt sick. His phone buzzed. Probably one of his friends asking if he was ok. Beck was several hours late for school. He usually was these days.

Beck sighed. He didn't even feel like going to school today, but if he missed anymore he was going to fail. He sighed again. He didn't need his parents to get all worried.

_"Another day of those looks." _Beck hated pity. He needed a cigarette. He kept them in his bottom drawer right next to the key to his mini fridge and his favorite razor blade. He took the latter with him to the corner.

Most people would say he has a problem. He does. But he can't help the fact that the physical pain makes the mental pain go away for a while. He can't help that it feels good. After adding a few new scars to his several old ones, Beck pulled on his black beanie and left. He could already hear the whispers.

"Look there goes the new Goth."

_"I'm not Goth," _He thought to himself, glancing at his all black attire, _"I'm mourning." _

Beck walked into school, ignoring the looks. He left to go get lunch after grabbing a spare cigarette from his locker. He had a show to put on. If his friends found out how _low/_he had sunk, well, they'd flip. And tell his parents. Beck didn't want that. He didn't want them to get him "help". No one could help him.

_"Good thing I can act so well." _He thought bitterly.

"Beck! How are you feeling?" Andre asked as he sat down. Beck only nodded his head before resting it on his arms.

"You sure?" Tori asked. She had a very concerned look in her eyes. They all did. Beck nodded again.

"We're all heading down to Nozu after school! You wanna come?" Cat giggled. Beck thought about it.

_" I have missed the last couple times...and they're worried enough as it is. I guess I'll have to." _Beck didn't want to go. Not at all. He'd rather spend the evening curled up in a corner with his razor and a few beers.

"I'll come Cat." Beck mumbled. She grinned and started rambling away about some random thing her brother did. Andre and Tori were talking about a new song he wrote and Robbie was being bullied by Rex. The only thing missing was the sarcastic, biting remarks made by a certain hot headed girl.

_Jade._

Beck held back the tears. He couldn't cry here. Tori was giving him a worried look.

"When was the last time you got a good night of sleep, Beck? You look really tired." She asked in a quiet voice.

"I'm fine, really." Beck said and shot her a fake smile. He could tell Tori wasn't convinced, but she dropped it.

* * *

Beck walked into Nozu and looked around for his friends. To his surprise they were still here. He was late. Beck didn't care. He always stopped by _her _grave after school, just to talk.

"Hey man! I was wondering if you were going to show tonight." Andre gave him a warm smile and a friendly pat on the back. Beck smiled and started to relax. He always felt better after his talks with Jade.

"Sorry, lost track of time." He replied. He took a sip from his water and glanced at the menu. He wasn't going to order.

"So the new Spicy Tempura is really good." Andre started.

"I heard it was terrible." Robbie added.

"Who told you that?" Andre sounded offended. The boy loved his sushi.

"His mom!" Rex piped up. Robbie turned a light shade of red before telling Rex to shut it.

"Ahahaha this shrimp looks like a mustache." Cat said while wiggling it in front of her top lip. Everyone laughed. Everyone except Beck. Tori got up, saying something about the bathroom and Andre was off flirting with some brunette chick who clearly wasn't into him. Beck took this as his opportunity to leave. He'd been there for a good hour and now he just wanted a drink.

Beck was startled _very_ badly when he head a knock on his door. He looked at it and tried to remember what he had to open it. Hell he could barley see it his vision was so blurred. Usually this wasn't even a problem. No one came to his R.V.

They knocked again. He could make out someone saying his name. Beck groaned and slumped further into his corner. They would go away in a minute.

* * *

**Tori P.O.V.**

Tori was at Beck door. She knew he was in there, his truck was here.

"Beck! Are you ok?" Tori was worried about him. He was never on time to school anymore and he never got any sleep. He was clearly still very hurt about Jade's death. They all were. Even she was. But Beck had it the worst.

What really worried her was the smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol that hung around him. He was a great actor but that was a dead giveaway that he was losing his fight against depression. So tonight, after he ditched them again, Tori decided she was finally going to check up on him. She knocked again. Still no answer. Finally she gave up and grabbed the spare key he kept under the first tire.

"Oh my god!"

What Tori saw broke her heart. Beck Oliver, curled up in a corner surrounded by empty bear bottles and blood running from his writs.

She ran over to him and started to check his injuries. He was unconscious but the cuts on his wrists weren't that deep.

Tori ran out of his R.V. and knocked on the front door. No answer. Then she remembered him saying his parents were out of town for the month. She let out an angry sigh before making a decision that would change her life forever.

_"I'll take him to my house. Then he won't be able to do this anymore."_

* * *

**AN: Ok so how was it? It felt kind of rushed towards the end but I wanted to start the story rolling now so I could avoid fillers! Sorry Beck is OOC but I would be depressed if my lover died, too. Review please! Thanks. **


	2. Hurt

**AN: I want to thank the people who reviewed:) Makes me happy and stuff! More angst to come and some actual dialog. I'll try to keep it at an easy pace from now on. Review! Tell me what works and what sucks, a little hate builds character so everything is welcome! **

**Takes place on a Saturday. **

_**WARNING: SELF HARM, SMOKING, SWEARING, DEPRESSION, AND ALCOHOL USE.**_

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T AND NEVER WILL OWN THE SHOW OR THE CHARACTERS IN VICTORIOUS! **

Beck didn't wake up in his R.V, which really scared him. He sat up and looked around. He was in Tori's living room. His forehead furrowed in confusion.

_"How did I end up here?" _For a second he began to panic, worrying if he had done anything crazy or if he had hurt anyone. Beck didn't remember anything. He noticed his wrists were wrapped up.

_"Great," _he put his head in his hands, _"now someone knows I cut myself." _This was not a good thing. He didn't want people to worry about him. He just wanted to waste away _alone_. Beck turned his head and saw some headache pills and a cup of water sitting on the coffee table. He eagerly took them, this was one of the worst hangovers he's ever had.

"How are you feeling?"

Beck jumped a mile high at the unexpected voice. It was Tori. She was sitting at the kitchen table watching him with concern in her eyes.

"How long have you been there?" Beck rasped out. He watched her stand and walk over to him, bringing a plate of eggs with her.

"About a half hour," she was talking gently, concern dripping from each word, "here you need to eat. You look like you haven't had a good meal in days, Beck."

He stared at the plate of food in front of him. He didn't want to eat. He wanted to go home and he wanted a cigarette. He looked at Tori, who was watching him expectantly. She now had a stern you-had-better-eat-those-damned-eggs-or-else look in her eyes and Beck didn't want to find out what the or-else was. So he ate them.

Neither of them spoke, not wanting to start the inevitable conversation about Beck's problem. He wasn't complaining, because he _never _wanted to talk about it.

"How are you feeling?" Tori asked again. He gave her a short look before replying slowly.

"I have a head ache...and my throat hurts." His voice was stronger now, but was still raspy. And it hurt. A lot. Tori stood and got him another glass of water, **which he downed quickly, and a cup of coffee. **

"Thanks." He whispered. Beck was starting to feel the side effects of last nights drinking in his stomach. Not good. He took off for the bathroom, emptying his breakfast into the toilet. He sat there for several minutes throwing up, then dry heaving for a few more. He could feel Toro rubbing his back and it made him feel so _pathetic. _The sad part was it that it was true. He _was _pathetic. After he was done he slumped against the wall.

"How long." She had finally asked. This was it. Beck didn't say anything. He just stared at the wall.

"Beck." Tori tried again. No reply.

"God dammit Beck, talk to me! How long have you been doing this to your self?" She was mad now.

"Doing what, Tori!"

"This," she pointed at the toilet then grabbed his wrist, " the cutting and the drinking? I know you smoke, too! How long have you been doing this?"

Beck closed his eyes. His head hurt.

"I don't want to talk about it, Tori. Just forget you saw anything and stop worrying about me." Beck said in a quiet, wary voice. This was going badly. He knew it wasn't over. It was far from over. He also knew he'd lost the moment a cold determination steeled onto her face.

"Beck please talk to me! How could I forget it? You're my friend and right now you are scaring me! I just want to help and if you won't let me I'll call / someone / that will force you to get better!" Tori was now yelling and tears were gathering in her eyes.

_"Oh god don't cry."_ Beck thought. Shit. This was a bad situation. The only choice he had was to tell her. And he doubted he could lie, she was too good at reading him. Hell, if she told anyone else it would get around to his parents and then...he didn't even want to think about that. Beck couldn't handle it if this got out. He couldn't handle the pity. He couldn't handle the attention. Not right now.

"Fine," he let out a long sigh, "but you need to promise not to tell _anyone_ about any of this. Especially my parents. Ok?" Tori promised. She swore up and down that she wouldn't ever tell a soul. Beck stayed silent for a long time. He had no idea what to say or where to start. She knew the story. How Jade died because of him. It was obvious that he couldn't handle the pain and turned to alcohol and cutting to relieve it. What else was there to tell?

"It hurts so much, Tori. The cuts and alcohol make it go away. What else is there to talk about?" Beck whispered.

"I want to know why you are so scared of help, Beck. Why won't you talk to anyone instead of hurting yourself. I want to understand." Tori gave him a sad look. Her hand was resting on his in an attempt to sooth him. It wasn't working.

"How could you ever understand. You don't know what it's like! I don't _want _help! I don't need help! I _deserve _to be fucking hurt, Tori!" Beck was yelling now. The more he talked the angrier he got. It was like a flood. All of his pent up emotions were all coming out and directed at Tori, who was sitting there with a slightly stunned look on her face. Beck finally calmed down, feeling a lot better after his blow up. Tori stood up and brought him to the couch. They were silent. Both processing what just happened. Finally, Tori spoke.

"Beck you need help."

"I don't want help."

"But you're throwing your life away!"

"I deserve it."

"And what about your parents!"

"They'll never find out."

"I'm going to tell them!"

"You promised-"

"I know I did but god dammit if you wont get help I'll make sure you do!"

"But my parents will find out if I get "help" Tori! I don't want th-"

"Then let _me _help you Beck!" Beck stopped talking. This was getting out of hand.

"Let me help you and no one will find out. Ok? That means when you want to cut or drink just call me and we'll talk about it." Beck scoffed. Tori shot him a glare. She really meant business. He grunted in reply, grabbed his jacket, and walked out the door. He would humor her...just until things got better.

**AN: So how was it? Were they too OOC? Was the dialog ok? Is it moving to fast or to slow? To short? Wondering why Beck is scared of his parents finding out? Me too:) I need ideas for a big bad reason they can't know! Make it very serious. Also I'll try to put some of the other characters in the next chapter. Review please! 5 reviews gets you the next chapter:) **


	3. Help

**AN: So chapter 3. Thanks to all the reviewers:) Like my guests and Nalini:) (couldn't pm you) also I'll try to update faster but I'm way lazy and lack inspiration:) except when I get reviews. This takes place on Monday and will have some of everyone else and maybe a really small tiny bit of Bori. Also a little less angst. Enjoy:)**

_**WARNING: SELF HARM, SMOKING, SWEARING, DEPRESSION, AND ALCOHOL USE.**_

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T AND NEVER WILL OWN THE SHOW OR THE CHARACTERS IN VICTORIOUS!**

* * *

**Tori's P.O.V.**

Tori glanced back down at her phone. She was _still_ waiting for Beck to reply to her _15_ texts. She hasn't heard anything since yesterday and she was worried. He probably didn't take her seriously. She frowned and tried to pay attention to her music teacher with little success.

_"I'll stop by his R.V. during lunch." _She concluded. Beck was not going to ignore her if he wanted her to hold up her end of the deal. After class, she hit her locker to put away her books and get ready for lunch.

"Hey Tori! Look what I bought!" Cat said waving around a large pink panda bear.

"I got it from ! And it talks ahahaha!" She giggled loudly and ran off before Tori had a chance to say anything. She shook her head and continued on to the lunch table to let everyone know where she was going.

"Hey Tori, where's Cat?" Robbie questioned.

"She's off showing people her new panda bear. Honestly I have no idea where she gets all the money to pay for her crazy stuff."

"Yeah, she doesn't have a job does she?" Andre put in.

"I don't think so." They were all quiet, pondering the mystery of Cat's never ending supply of money. Then Tori spoke up saying she had to do something and would miss the rest of lunch. She wouldn't tell them where she was going.

"I bet she has a hot date." Rex said. Tori threatened to throw him away again and he shut up. She then left to her car (finally got her license) and headed for Beck's R.V. She knew something was off right away. The keys to his truck were still in the ignition and his door was cracked open.

"Beck?" Tori called. "Hey you ok?" She heard a scrambling noise and ran in. The room was wrecked. It looked like a tornado hit. Beck was at his dresser throwing his cloths around looking for something.

"Where did you put it!" He barked.

"Put what Beck?"

"My razor! Don't act like you don't know because I know you came in here an took away all my cigarettes and beer! Now where is my razor!" He threw the dresser a crossed the room and started going through his closet.

"Beck calm down! Look," Tori put a hand on his shoulder, "I'm not giving it back to you because I don't want you hurting yourself." Beck shrugged out of her hold and started to pace. He looked freaked out and was all nervous. It was starting to scare her.

* * *

**Beck P.O.V.**

Beck was livid. He hadn't had a drink since Saturday and he /desperately/ needed his razor. He had had one of the worst nightmares yet and the stress was /killing/ him. God and Tori had no idea what she was doing to him. As if she _wanted _him to lose it. Because he was losing it bad right now.

"God Tori please," Beck tried calming down," I need my razor!"

"Why do you need it?"

"Because the dreams are getting worst Tori!" She stopped talking and gave him a long sad look. Beck sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands. He felt Tori sit next to him and put her hand on his back.

"What are the dreams about?" Beck didn't answer right away. He didn't want to talk about this. He wanted to slip away for a little while with his razor in hand.

"Beck? Let me help." He looked into her pleading eyes and sighed. She just wanted to help. So he told her. He told her about his dreams and about how scared they made him. He told her how Jade would scream that it was his fault and how he deserved to suffer. He told her about how the cuts made the mental pain go away. By the end of his explanation he was crying onto Tori's shoulder as she rubbed his back soothingly.

"It's going to be ok Beck. They're just dreams. They don't mean anything." Tori whispered into his ear. Beck was surprised. Because he actually felt _better _after telling Tori about his dreams. Like he wasn't the only person that had to deal with them now.

_"Maybe she can help me." _Beck thought in wonder. He looked at his clock and realized that Tori was missing school.

"You're going to be late if you don't leave now Tori."

"It's ok I'll stay here with you." She offered with a smile. Beck shook his head and told her to get in his truck. She wasn't going to skip school just because he was an emotional wreck. So he'd go with her so she wouldn't worry about him the rest of the day.

* * *

School was actually easier to get through after he had his talk with Tori. He had even agreed to go to Nozu with Andre that night for some "bro time" or something. He noticed Andre as soon as he walked in the sushi restaurant. The musical prodigy wave him over with a grin. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Hey man glad you could make it!" Andre said, clapping Beck on his shoulder. He just nodded in response and sat at the table. They ordered their food and sat in silence. Two girls were on the stage singing. They kept giving him flirty smiles and it _made him sick_.

"So have you figured out what you're going to write for Sikowitz's semester assignment? You always have the best ideas!" Dare said with his signature laugh.

"No. I haven't even thought about it." He sighed. He hadn't /wanted/ to think about it. Besides, he didn't have any good ideas right now.

"Well you better get on it. You'll need time to perfect it so I can write the music!" Andre grinned and started eating his sushi. Beck gave him a small smile. It felt good talking about such a familiar subject. About something he loved. Just then the two girls from before walked over.

"Hey you have room for two more?" The brunette asked seductively while playing with the collar on Beck's shirt. Beck opened his mouth to decline her offer but Andre, who was fixated on the blonde, was eager to _hang out _with the two flirts.

"So what are you doing tonight?" Girl one asked with a smile that made Beck sick. She was practically hanging off him and he was slowly starting to freak out.

She was too close.

"_Jade would have killed her by now."_ Beck felt his heart clench painfully in his chest. The girl kept talking to him, but he wasn't listening. He must've looked pale because Andre strews waving his hand in front of his face. Both girls were smiling at him now and Andre was suggesting they all /go out./ He had to get out of there. He couldn't deal with this. So he left. He could hear Andre calling out for him, but he didn't stop.

The first thing Beck did when he got o his R.V. was go for his razor. The one that _wasn't there_. He ran his hand through his hair and started looking for his extra one. He felt like he betrayed Jade all over again.

_"Stupid girls!" _He took is razor and brought it to his wrist. Then his phone rang. Beck froze, Make it Shine was playing. _Tori_. She always seemed to know when he was hurting. After debating with himself for a second he put the razor down and answered the call. Maybe she could help him. Maybe he would make it troughs this after all.

* * *

**AN: So did I do ok? Kind of filler-ish I guess but at least Beck is starting to get better:) maybe. I think I have my idea for the big bad reason down and will probably introduce it in the next chapter or two. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and gave me ideas! Get the review bubble up to 15 for the next chapter! Love you all!**


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